Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
