I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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