I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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