You made me cry and you don't even care
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
