I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
