what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
