I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
