Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
