I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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