Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
