Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
