I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
