"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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