Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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