i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
