Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He passed out mid-signature
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
