You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
