I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
