I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
