I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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