i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
