I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
