I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
