You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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