Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
