Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
