Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize