omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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