she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
