Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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