I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Randomize