I can text with my tongue
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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