tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
