His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
