Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
