I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
