the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
