this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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