Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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