Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
