i think i have two assholes
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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