you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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