I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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