Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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