nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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