totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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