how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
