Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
