i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
false alarm, still single
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