I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
