pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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