my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
