I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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