Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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