i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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