Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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