im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
