well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
